iDKHOW BUT THEY FOUND ME
June 20, 2025
fuck it's been a long time since i've updated this (literally a year lmfaooo)
anyways imthinking about iDKHOW AND HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!
i saw them in berkeley + sacramento on sunday and monday and. just wow. like i've been a huge fan of dallon weekes since i was 15 but.......im still somehow impressed every time i go to an iDKHOW show.
they're now officially the band i've seen most live AND I WANNA SEE THEM LIVE AGGAIN SOOOOOOOO BADDDDDDDDDDDDD. im missing them so bad like just the experience of knowing every single song and being able to sing and dance to it live in real time like IT'S SOOOOOOO GOOD it's so fun and i miss it sooo bad .
on sunday night, i wasn't expecting to even get barricade, because i didn't get VIP and i wasn't planning to show up super early anyways. i ended up getting to the venue around 5:30pm....and then.. still getting the very corner of the stage?!?!?!? which is crazy bc the doors opened at 7pm.
also yeah it WASN'T BARRICADE on sunday, bc they changed venues last minute and the new one was just. The stage. Like zero barricade.. i was literally putting my bag and phone on the damn stage so i could be free to go crazy without having to hold anything lmfaooo. it was kinda perfect cuz me and my friends were at the cornerrrr of the stage, so i propped my phone up past the equipment to record (so i wasn't bothering them/stopping them from doing literally their job lol) and then just singing and thrashing around like crazyyyyyyyyy
and usually i feel pretty anonymous at concerts, even at barricade lol, mostly bc i've never rly gotten one-on-one interactions with artists before. which is FINE because i like just being in the moment and going beserk without having to think about if the people on stage r like. judging me for it???? lmao
but it turns out one of the touring members, isaac, DEFINITELY noticed how much fun i was having...........but in a good way. o_O
at one point he tossed a pick at my friend and i jokingly was like "omg i wanted it.....are you gonna keep it............." and i didn't think isaac would hear, but i actually think he DID bc he answered my friend about how it was his cat named vinny on the pick. oops (i wouldn't have yelled at my friend if i'd known he could hear me LOL I SWEAR IM NOT GREEDY LIKE THAT..)
but anyways, um. i swear at one point isaac gave me a little hand heart, UNLESS someone behind me was giving him one first and i didn't notice. lollllll idk
I DO KNOW that he definitely saw me getting his setlist!!!! the person next to me was so kind and grabbed it from the stage for me (bc again.. there was no barricade ..... so they could reach it hella easily), and i remember isaac seeing me holding the setlist and kinda nodding at me? idk i thought i was imagining it in the moment tbh but i found a vid of choke a few days ago and HE DID nod at me, so i'm prob right lmfao
and i thought that was gonna be it!!! i was like omg i got the setlist, i peaked.!!!!! but then.
after the band did their bow all together, isaac walked directly to me and handed me a pick. and it felt crazy in the moment, but i was so so so certain he'd meant specifically for me to have it. and afterwards, one of my friends told me she'd seen him and anthony talking about me??????? but i didn't see it so im just taking her word for it LMAO
anyways yeah. i thought it was like, he happened to have a pick left, so he gave it to me since i was like LITERALLY directly in front of him losing my mind the entire night, lmfao. but. then i happened to find a video where he takes a pick out of his damn pocket and walks right to me to give it to me before he walks off stage............like what lmao THAT'S CRAZY?????? but so so so sweet, like wowwww he saved a pick just for me T_T i love live music and i love musicians who love people who love their music
and i FOR SURE thought that would be the end of it. i didn't want to be greedy yk!!!! but I DID have a VIP ticket for the very next day in sacramento.....
and i didn't even mean to, but i ended up on isaac's side of the barricade again that night. it's kinda funny cuz for soundcheck i was in front of anthony, and the band was like an hour behind for everything bc the bus had broken down before they got to the venue lol (why is dallon ALWAYS going through Something???????? that poor guy)
sooo i kinda assumed that i might jsut stay at the barricade? and stay on anthony's side? which i was fine with cuz then it'd be like,, me experiencing the same show from both sides yk.
but we ended up having to leave for the opener (Soklo, hella cool!!) to do their soundcheck. and then me and the other like 10 people who'd waited in line allllllll day ended up all grouping together to stop people who'd gotten there last minute from stealing our center barricade spots LOL (which we secured IKTRRRR)
and i happened to end up on isaac's side again.. which was almost a little embarrassing cuz i was like ew what if he remembers me and thinks im some weirdo who specifically waited to be in front of him again? idk man i have anxiety okay
but then it turned out.. i think he DID rememebr me????????
right as kiss goodnight was starting, i was staring at dallon like he put the stars and sun in the sky OF COURSE. (come on. it's DALLON WEEKES and he was like 5 feet in front of me!!!!!!) but then i suddenly like.. got the feeling someone was looking at me? idk how to describe it other than that lol, i just always accidentally feel when someone's looking at me and then end up making awkward eye contact. so i looked at isaac and he was LOOKING AT ME and then he threw me his pick. and i instinctively Tried to catch it, cupping my hands in front of me as quickly as i could manage........ and then i DROPPED IT. and i vaguely remember going "OH SHIT" and seeing isaac laugh at me I think? but luckily, this wasn't the first time this has happened, LMFAO. (in 2022 i almost caught anthony's pick, dropped it past barricade, and then one of the venue's security team picked it up for me. and he faked me out by pretending to throw it past me, and then laughed and gave it to me. lol) SOOOO i immediately looked at the security guy nearby, and he gave me the pick, and i pocketed that shit INSANTLY and then went right back to staring at dallon.... LMAO
but then. i found a video of the song, finally. and. isaac WAVED AT ME.???????????
and that makes me feel kinda insane (in a good way). like i usually feel invisible, but i think he fr remembered me? and he Waved at me to get my attention before tossing me the pick, to make sure i got it. like i just keep thinking about it and going fuckkkkkkkkkk that was just such a sweet thing for him to do ;____;
BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN END HERE.
after i got isaac's pick (again) (lol), i wasn't expecting ANYTHING ELSE. like, i didn't wanna be greedy!! i know i'm not the only person who loves idkhow OBVIOUSLY!!!! i had my sweet moment where isaac threw me his pick and i was like awww i've peaked again yay!!!!!!!
but then, after they played choke..... i swear ronnie specifically walked to me and gave me his setlist.
i remember it as vividly as if it was a movie scene, LMAOOO. i was watching dallon, and i was like wow, like jsut wow i love this band so much, and i love dallon's artistry, and i've loved every single song i've ever heard from him, and i was just so grateful to get a chance to see them TWICE in the same week. and i was especially emotional because the first time i ever saw dallon was at a tiny little venue just blocks away from this venue, over seven years ago. so it all felt so special and so, soooo full circle for me. and that was all i was thinking about.
and then suddenly, ronnie was walking towards me, holding up his setlist. and i was so sure he'd end up throwing it to someone that wasn't me. but i still held out my hands, somehow. and i remember seeing arms and hands all around me, framing my view of ronnie, all wanting the same setlist i wanted. and then he was in front of me, and he was handing me the setlist, and the setlist was IN MY HAND, and i held it up in the air victoriously, somehow remembering to scream a "THANK YOU!!!!!!!!" in my disbelieving elation. and he was smiling at me, and i think he knew how happy and grateful i was. and it felt like the happiest moment in my life. and then i think isaac gave the girls next to me his setlist, and i was even happier, because they were sooo sweet, a pair of sisters who'd been listening to iDKHOW for about as long as i have, who traveled up from southern california to see them in Sac bc the shows near them fell on the same day as the younger sister's graduation. and then the band was doing their group bow, and then isaac and ronnie and anthony walked off, and dallon was hyping up the crowd one last time, and it was all so beautiful. and i was so acutely aware of how much i love this musician, and of how amazing his touring bandmates were, and it was just. such a perfect ending to such a perfect 2 days.
oh god and i didn't even mention the REPOSTS.
as soon as i'd gotten home after berkeley on sunday, i saw that idkhow had reposted a grid post from someone (it actually ended up being someone that i befriended in line the next day, because we were right next to each other in the VIP line for a good five hours, lmao!). and i had never gotten reposted by dallon or idkhow, even though i've been following him since early 2018. and i thought to myself...... maybe it was because i always end up waiting a day or more to post about concerts........ so i quickly edited a pic i had gotten and put it on my story. and honestly, i didn't think he'd repost. it was, like, 3 in the morning, and the original picture was kinda blurry, and i was so so sure that i'd overcompensated with the contrast and grain to cover up how blurry it was..... but then. the next day (before sacramento) . i woke up to "[solar.cynicism] idkhow Mentioned you in their story."
it felt like a dream lol. like idk. i've just loved this band for so long, and to know that dallon, who's inspired me as an artist since i was a teenager, saw and genuinely liked my picture? like yeah, idk, it's a small thing, but it meant a lot to me. it felt like i was doing something right.
and then, after my sacramento show, i quickly edited a couple pics of the band while i was waiting around after the show. and as i was actively in conversation with a few people i'd befriended in the VIP line that day, i got the same notification. AND THEN. i got a notification that dallon had uploaded to his personal account's story...... and it was my same photo. he'd tagged himself on the idkhow repost so he could repost it to his personal T___T LOL which again, i know it's just some quick social media notice. BUT IDGAF. i really love photography as a hobby and i always have, and to know that someone so inspirational to me liked my photo that much...... idk , it means a lot to me.
i didn't get a chance to meet dallon after the show, like i'd hoped to. but the security said he was feeling sick, so who am i to complain? i've already met him before, anyways. i got to briefly say hi to isaac and anthony, and i thanked isaac for the pick, and even if he had no clue who i was, idgaf lol, i was just so grateful for getting such cool mementos both nights that I HAD to say SOMETHING.
anyways, there was a girl near me who had been talking with her mom so excitedly about how she had never gotten to meet dallon before, and her mom was SO happy for her, and even though i didn't get to say hi to dallon that night, i saw that she and her mom did, which honestly means a lot more to me, because i know how amazing it is to meet him for the first time. i'm glad she got to have that moment, and i'm glad her mom got to see her have that moment :")
after i got home from that show, i couldn't sleep until, like, 4am. all i could think about was iDKHOW, and how amazing and beautiful adn perfect the last 48 hours had been. so, to try and get it out of my system, i edited my fave pics from that night v quickly on picsart, and made a grid post, and then knocked the fuck out.
and you'll never believe what i woke up to...................... Dallon reposting one of the pics to his personal account's story. LIKE WOW!!!!!!!!!?!
i'd never gotten reposted by dallon and/or idkhow, and then suddenly he was putting my pics on his stories 4x in two days. it was unbelievable.
fuckkkkkk man i just love idkhow so so much. can they tour again PLEASE!! I MISS THEM!!!!!!!!!
dallon also said there might be an eventual brobecks show in SLC....................................and if that happens I WILL be booking a flight expeditiously, idc how expensive it is. i never thought there would ever be a possibility of seeing THE BROBECKS live, and i've loved them for way too long to NOT try to take that chance. :")
i love idkhow!!!!! i love dallon weekes!!!! ^__^ !!!!!!
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femininomenon
June 29, 2024
listening to chappell roan and thinking about how badly i want a cool story like that.
i don't want to be world famous like her tho, god no. i just want to be able to live off my art. i think it's really cool that she gets to do that. i love that i live in a time where someone like ME - a man-hating lesbian - can be universally loved like chappell is....or as universal as she can be before the misogynistic freaks come after her.
college was a really interesting time for me, being able to entirely focus on my creative endeavors for a full four years. but now it's over and i don't know if i'll be able to continue that.
i think if i stop being able to create i will die. i will wither away like a flower kept away from the sun. art is my oxygen and im choking thinking about a future without it.
but chappell roan is cool. she reminds me why i love art. and why i need to continue pursuing it as desperately as i can.
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happy
October 28, 2023
it's 1:20 am and ive had a long, tiring couple of weeks but im also exhorbantly happy right nnow. which may be the effect of the fireball and (similar drink my friend had that i dont currently remember the name of) that ive consumed tonight as well as the teensy bit of cart weed i was able to injest b4 my batterydied. but does that really matter?? because in this moment im happy. im nothing but happy.
im in a life where im surrounded by friends and ive got a routine all figured out by myself for myself. im living life the way i used to always dream of, surrounded by people i love (and people i hate but thats just the cost of working a customer service job on campus)...plus id rather be surrounded by strangers i hate than people im overly familiar with and still hate.
im typically overwhelmed with the fact that im constantly figuring out how to live as an adult and how to become myself adn figure everythign out. but right now i feel like everything will be okay.
listneing to music and scrolling twitter. why are so many songs ive heard on tiktok actually good outside the 15 seconds of chorus ive heard in snippets? why have i never listened to these songs outside of that context? why does my spotify daylist actually know what i want to hear? what will the future mean with this curernt idea of artificial intelligence already dictating specific elements of our lives. what is the meaning of a college education and official degree if it's just as easy to pass an assignment with the help of an ai chat bot as it is to pass it with the shitposting of our own minds?
im rambling. i always do. can i help it??? this song is really good. it's making me ponder. as music tends to do.
i'm happy now. will i be happy in teh future? is that something for me to even worry about right now?? i know in my heart of hearts ill be happiest if i stop giving a fuck. if i just live in the moment. but when the moment passes, will i regret not comemmorating it all enough?
i guess i wont know until the moments pass. i'll try my best to find a balance of enjoying it naturally and also memorizing the exact details of my happiness to hold onto for later, when i might not feel as happy as i do currently. i think that's what life is all about. figuring out what to savor in the moment, and what to save for later.
for now, i know this: i am happy and i love my friends. and i love my friends because i am happy, and i am happy because i love my friends. what more could i want of life?
xoxo gossip girl
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how to be alone
August 30, 2023
i have spent a lot of this summer with myself. and i feel like ive re-learned what my life used to be like, as a kid.
growing up, i'd spend a lot my free time alone in my room. my entire life outside of school was myself, except for the time id spend playing wii with my little brother or walking my dogs with my dad. i think i didnt think anything of it at the time because i didnt really know anything else.
but this entire summer has been achingly lonely. and it's so weird because it's like ive forgotten how to be alone?
i used to always call myself an introvert, and the thing is i DO feel like im somewhat introverted, i have never been one to be enthusiastic about meeting new people or spending a majority of my time with others. but i think the time ive spent in college constantly being surrounded by my friends has made me realize im actually kinda miserable alone. it's like some irreversable internal change i didnt even know happened before it was too late.
pretty soon im moving back into my dorm, and this entire summer will feel like a blur, an awful in-between stage of loneliness and isolation that i wont even fully remember. but right now in this moment i feel these feelings so strongly, i cant think of anything else. it's like...how babies dont have object permanence, so they get got by peek-a-boo because they're like wehre the FUCK did they go. except im just like, now that ive spent so much time away from college, i cant comprehend that all my friends, professors, classmates, even the random strangers i somehow see all the time anywhere in campus - i cant comprehend that they're real?
idk. it makes sense to me.
but ill be back soon. and then the whole 'object permanence' thing will reverse, and i'll be left forgetting what it ever felt like to be so overwhelmingly alone. maybe i'll be better off for it.
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i hate summer
August 8, 2023
ok i know the title says i hate summer but that isnt totally true.. moreso im just so bored at home and my days r blurring into an endless loop of boredom and loneliness, i dont hate the season i just hate the feelings i usually get during it.
i wish somebody had HIRED ME, i wanted so bad to use this summer to just grind working as much as possible and save like 90% of my paychecks so i have post grad savings (since this upcoming year of college is my last) but noooo instead...im just. sitting at my desk. complaining on a self-contained blog on a neosite i made out of the hours upon hours of free time being jobless has afforded me.
i know that once im back at school, ill be complaining about not having any free time to just chill and do nothing. but idgaf, rn im in 100% do-nothing state and i despise it. i just miss my friends.
one more year of college and then ill never feel this feeling again. should i be enjoying it more? the lack of responsibilities? (besides my remote internship im doing..) should i be immersing myself fully in the pool of nothingness ive been in this summer? maybe years from now, swamped with real adult life worries and business, ill look back on this summer as the last good summer of my life; the last summer where i could afford to do nothing. but as of right now, im wishing i was in that future time. i feel like im in limbo, just in between phases of my life, meant to do nothing, helpless to the passage of time, painfully aware of each minute that seems to last for hours, counting down the days until i can pack up my room and re-start life.
very dramatic way to say im bored.
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cameras
July 27, 2023
there's something super interesting about learning something about urself .. and then looking back and realizing you actually should have known that about yourself the entire time.
one thing like this that stands out to me is - i always have been someone who just,, loves a camera. as a kid i took that to mean that i should be dreaming about being the one who's in front of the lens. but now im like, it's always been so much more than that??
i look back on things i did as a kid, and im like, why couldnt i tell sooner? how did i spend so much time guessing at what i would want to pursue as my whole ~lifelong career~ or whatever (ignoring how insane of a thought that is, to be choosing what you'll do for the rest of ur fucking life at the ripe young age of 17/18) - but why should i guesS? how could i? when i my entire life had been finding the most joy in being the person behind the camera
and yeah yeah this isnt entirely literal, i mean i dont consider myself a cinematographer that much, i dont really know my way around a professional camera and honestly im not sure i want to fully learn that. but just in general- ive always been someone yearning to tell stories, writing my stupid little "novels" in the spare pages of school notebooks, drawing stick figure comics on any scrap of paper that was in front of me, recording unedited, spur-of-the-moment "short films" with my family computer's webcam and my little brother as an actor.
i look at my little photo gallery ive put on this site and i realize, im the same as i always have been. this "new hobby" that i'd thought i'd picked up recently of purposely taking pics on digital cameras- it's not new, not at all. ive always been trying to capture every moment in front of me, with whatever technology was available to me.
anyways. im just rambling.
i like taking pictuers. i like telling storise. i like making films. i like cameras.
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i <3 the hunger games
July 20, 2023
lately ive been in a REAL hunger games era .. and by real i mean real.
ive finally finished reading mockingjay (i'd been trying to have time to get to that since march haha), ive rewatched the hunger games + catching fire, and i've started reading the "peeta's games" series on ao3, which is the thg trilogy re-told from peeta's pov. im in the first 1/3 of "throwing sparks," the equivalent of catching fire - right around the middle of them doing their victory tour thing.
it's bad, liek it's a real obsession and im aware of it but like whatever ive got nothing else to do besides like, video editing for my internship. luckily the obsession isnt THAT bad where it's getting in the way of me getting the important shit like that done LOL but i do find myself only wanting to do something related to thg - i gotta be like writing my student thesis film rn and im not LOL
but then again i'd already been procrastinating that in favor of sims 4 and minecraft already Soooo.. !
#peeniss4ever
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first journal entry ;P
July 11, 2023
im listening to fall out boy and writing this - missing my fob show, missing how fun that was. im listening to the setlist playlist i made, a little less sixteen candles is playing rn and i love this song SO much.
i desperately need a job but i dont have one rn so instead im making this website. what else am i gonna do w all this free time???? this isn't my first time making a personal site, but this is the most extensive one ive made i think. my last one was just like, a main page with some small subpages that were literally just awful awful hahaha like so stupid simple to make. these pages r simple too but that's bc im copy/pasting format stuff b4 changing it up to make each page ~unique~
its fun tho! i luvvv luv html/css, i luv making things exactly how i want them 2 look. makes me miss the old internet i didnt even fully get to experience -i was too busy being young w strict parents lol >__<
anyways! let's see if i 4get about this blog .. hehe. hopefully not